2012 Parenting Workshop – “You And Your Children”

 

Editor’s Note: “The following lesson was presented to the brothers and sisters who attended the 2012 Parenting Workshop of the Phoenix International Christian Church on Saturday, September 29th 2012 by Tony and Therese Untalan.  The Untalans were there in the beginning of the Sold-out Discipling Movement of Churches back in Portland 2003.  They were instrumental in serving and shepherding the churches in both Portland and Eugene during their time in Portland.  Currently they have been serving as Shepherds in the City of Angels International Christian Church in Los Angeles the past few years.  Tony is a senior network architect for INTEL and Therese works as an account manager.  They have four grown children, one of which is Colleen Challinor who, along with her husband Ricky, lead the Portland International Christian Church powerfully.  In 2003, the teen ministry in Portland started with just one baptized teenage disciple, which was Colleen.  In just a little over two year’s time, God grew the teen ministry in Portland to 30 baptized teen disciples!  Amy and I are very grateful for the Untalans and their continual sacrifice for God and His Family; it was such an encouragement to have them here with us!  Below are the outlined notes from their parenting workshop and a link to the video of their teaching.  Thanks again to Tony and Therese – we love you with the Love of the LORD! – JMC”

(Download an MS Word document of the following lesson here – 2012 Parenting Workshop PICC – Untalans)

 

Spiritual Family Dynamics

• Spiritual family dynamics are the ways in which family members relate to one another at a spiritual level.
• What your children see practiced in your home is what they know to be true not necessarily what you say.
• Since we are capable of change and family members take different paths, the dynamics within a family are ever-changing as well.
• The Kingdom has a plethora of willing advisors in this area for those willing to go after and take hold of it.
• There are two types of families in the Kingdom: Biological and Blended.
• Families having the same biological parents are more the exception than the rule these days.
• It is important that we see the absolute necessity for us to pattern our families in alignment with God’s Word.

We came into the Kingdom when Jon was 12, Coleen was 8 and Tesoni was 6.  Before we became disciples our marriage was in turmoil, and we made a lot of mistakes with our children.  We were always away from them and did not give them the attention that was needed until we became disciples.  This last Wednesday my wife and I celebrated 25 years of marriage.  We raised three children: Jon 28, Coleen 24, and Tesoni 21.  When we started the church in Portland we started with one teen (Coleen).  From that one teen we grew that ministry to 38 teens!  Coleen is now a Women’s Ministry leader and leading the Portland Church with her husband Ricky.

A Great Marriage

• A great marriage is necessary if you want to raise a Godly family.
• The divorce rate is nearing 75%!  It’s obvious that Satan is behind this increasing number.
• With such a high divorce rate, it’s imperative that we demonstrate to our kids that doing it GOD’S way is the only way to achieve success!
• YOU are responsible for making God & His Word known to your children.
• It’s likely that in the world we live in, you’ll be the only one teaching the truth to your kids.
• How your kids and home-life are doing in comparison to the Bible are directly related to how your marriage is doing and vice-versa.
• Your kids will believe that there is a God based on the changes you made and will make in your lives.
• Two Biblical examples – Ananias and Saphirra or Pricilla and Aquila.

 

Prov 20:7 – The righteous man leads a blameless life,
blessed are his children after him.

• Fathers your children are watching to see if you are only doing this for a short time.

Eph 5:21 – Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

• This command is directed to every disciple.
• The definition of reverence is: deep respect.
• To submit is to be humble.
• The opposite of humility is rebellion.
• If someone does not submit to the higher authorities how can they submit to those lesser in authority (their peers)?
• When we put this command into practice we show the world our reverence to Christ.
• Examples of areas we can show humility and ask for help or seek advice in are: finances, big decisions, marriage, parenting, etc…

1 Cor 13:4-8 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  ⁵ It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails…

• Kids draw security from their parents having a great marriage.
• They don’t have to tune you out.
• God’s Promise – Love never fails.

Acts 2:39 – The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call.

• God’s promise follows our repentance as parents (Acts 2:38).
• Kids see us in our true state.
• Are you the same at home as when you are around other disciples/people at work/etc?
• Are you being a hypocrite?  “Do as I say not as I do” instead of:  “Follow me as I follow Christ.” (1 Cor 11:1)

Mal 2:15b – …So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

 

• Raising kids to love the Lord is the most important thing they need to learn!  (Even more important than school, hobbies, sports, friends, etc…)

• God loves our children more than we do so don’t you think he has better plans for our children.

Jer 29:11 – ¹¹ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

• God knows the plans He has for us – especially our children.
• We do not serve a God who makes mistakes.
• God entrusted you with these children because he believes that you are the best chance for them to know Him.

Blended Families

• The Kingdom has many blended families.
• Jesus came from a blended family.
• Many kings in the bible had different mothers and were part of a blended family.
• The cost you count is to love the child or children as if they were one of your own.
• It’s a choice – like being a disciple it is about the decisions we make.
• Parents need to be unified about the rules of the home and in the consequences for breaking those rules. (Blended or Biological)

Openness

1 John 4:17-18 – In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the Day of Judgment, because in this world we are like Him. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

• Our kids do not want to be open because of the consequences of their sin.
• Fostering openness in your home takes some creative thinking.
• Our kids want to be open but lack trust in us.
• “It’s better to bend than to break”
• There were two ways we fostered openness in our home:
  • Humilty-be open about your own sin, openness breeds openness.
  • Discipling-teaching, correcting and encouraging with the Bible.

Discipling

 

Mat 28:20 – ²⁰ “ …and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

• Obedience must be taught before it can be expected.
• Discipling keeps the family spiritually grounded and solid.
• How is the discipling in your marriage? Are you really open about things?
• Are you watering down your sin or the Word used to correct it?
• Are you bouncing around discipleship partners?  This leads to instability and a real lack of discipling.
• God wants us to train our children to accept and seek out discipling so that when the time comes they can make the right choice and make Jesus their LORD!
• It’s difficult to disciple your children correctly if you’re not getting discipled with Godly input yourself!
• Don’t get caught up in correcting/discipling the behavior but instead focus on their hearts.

Deut 6:1-9 – These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, ² so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life.  ³ Hear, O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, promised you.

⁴ Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.   ⁵ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.   ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

• Impress them on your children, write them on the doorframes.
  • We used a scripture of the day white board/Calendar
  • We prayed with them every morning before they went to school and at night before bed. ( when they older they prayed on their own)
• Have a set time weekly where you have Family Time.
  • This is an important time slot that is sacred and not “bumped” except on rare occasions.
  • Use this time to have fun.
  • Open the Bible and have a devotional.
  • How’s it going (personally & as household)? Get open and disciple one another.
  • Go over weekly schedule.
• God wants us to teach our children to fear Him.
• We are to teach them the commands God laid before us.

Prov 22:6 – Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

• Child
  • A young human being below the age of full physical development or below the legal age of majority.
  • A son or daughter of any age.
• As parents we need to ready our children to make the right decisions especially when it comes to a relationship with God.

Judges 2:10 – After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the Lord nor what he had done for Israel.

• As parents we cannot allow the next generation to not know God.  It’s your responsibility to teach them to know God.
• Parents having a weak relationship with God and a lack of conviction on this scripture respond with:
  • Panic-They want to control every step the child takes and become overbearing.
  • Trust-They hope that the training given during family times will teach their children about God.
  • Apologize-They apologize showing an act of love and humility.  If you can’t apologize to your kids then you are prideful and unloving.

Eph 4:17-18 – ¹⁷ So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking.  ¹⁸ They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.

• Apologizing to your kids is necessary and shows them humility.  It’s only as difficult as you make it.
• Ignorance is a lack of knowledge and only means that you don’t want to believe or be shown that the Bible is calling you to be righteous.
• Only a hard heart will prevent you from apologizing to your kids.

 

Eph 4:25-27 – ²⁵ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  ²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold.

• Settle matters quickly. (Mat 5:25)
• Do not let the sun go down without being reconciled.

Practicals

1. Get with other couples that have done a great job raising their children and ask for advice.
2. Have weekly family times that include great lessons, a great meal, and fun games or activities.
3. Spend “Family Times” with other families to learn from each other.
4. Plan to serve the poor together as a family.
5. Have special one on one time with each family member. (Individual relationship with each person)

Opportunity of the Teen Years

• As parents we love our kids and want the best for them.  What we forget is: God loves our children more than we do or than we are capable of.
• When you look at the examples around you in the Kingdom and in the world you’ll see that the teen years are the most difficult to handle in raising your children.
• Our kids turn from these innocent children to “someone else’s kid”.
• Your teens are experiencing what they learn from the world.
• They want their own identity and to be known for themselves.
• It’s more challenging in homes where both parents work.  This is common, so it takes both parents being unified and working together to achieve the common good.

Teen Statistics:

• Drinking – 72% of all teens have consumed alcohol.
• Pregnancies – 2800 teens get pregnant each day.
• Sex – 7 in 10 women have sex before they are 14.
• Rape – Over 200,000 per year – 61% are under 18 years old
• Suicide – 1 in every 25 attempt dies.
• Even with all the challenges we CAN win!

Gal 6:7-10 – ⁷ Do not be deceived.  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows.   ⁸ The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.  ⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  ¹⁰ Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

• It’s never too late to try to influence your children.
• The amount of quality time and effort you put into raising your kids is what you will get out of it.  You’ll reap what you sow.
• When we give up on training our children we essentially believe that we can no longer influence them.

Psa 28:7a – The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped…

• If you complain about how hard it is to be in the church and how difficult the call of discipleship is… What do your kids see?  Do you expect them to choose that life for themselves?
• If you don’t have a great relationship with God filled with joy… What do your kids see?  Do you expect them to choose that life for themselves?
• If you’re a disciple that lacks the heart to serve or see it as a checklist of things that HAVE to be done… What do your kids see?  Do you expect them to choose that life for themselves?

Isa 40:29-31 – ²⁹ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  ³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, ³¹ but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

• When we rely on God, HE gives us the strength to fight the battle.
• Our kids will eventually get tired of what the world has to offer and remember what they were taught. (Prv 22:6)
• We need to be prepared when they come to their senses and be there for them.
• Prayer – Relying on and hoping in God.
• As parents, when a crisis hits your family, you’ve got to go to God first in prayer.
• When panic hits, things get out of hand.
• Fathers – you are the spiritual leader and must be walking with God in order to be able to lead your family Spiritually.

 

Php 4:6-7 – ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

• Present your requests to God in prayer this will settle your anxieties about what you are faced with and bring you peace.

James 1:5 – If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

• Parents need to be on their knees praying.
• “Family that prays together stays together”

Eph 6:4 – Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

• Exasperate = Irritate intensely; infuriate.

• An irritated child has a very hard time being submissive and will not take any type of training.
• Have an Amnesty Night.
  • Share openly in order to foster openness.
  • Offer and accept apologies.
  • Ask for and extend forgiveness.
• Deal with and get rid of bitterness, this way your children learn how to practice it with others.
• How do you handle the hard questions?
  • Dance, Date, Phone, Boyfriend/Girlfriend

 

Discipline

Hebrews 12:5-11 – “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, ⁶ because the Lord disciplines those he loves,and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.” ⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.  For what son is not disciplined by his father?  ⁸ If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spiritsand live^{) 10} Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may

share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

• Parents who do not discipline their children lack reverence to the bible and think they know how to raise children better than God.
• Sometimes parents seem to fear CPS more than they fear God.
• Parents can also fear their own upbringing and past; they don’t want their children to experience what they experienced.
• This displays a lack of trust in God and a need of repentance in all these areas.

Prov 19:18 – Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.

• Discipline allows hope.

Prov 22:15 – Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

• Folly – foolish acts – These must be disciplined out of your children

Prov 13:24 – He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

• If you truly love your children, you will not “spare the rod” or withhold discipline from them.

Prov 23:13 – Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

• “Spare the rod, spoil the child”.
• Withholding discipline=death (spiritually).

 

Outcome for Lack of Discipline

1 Kings 1:5-6 – ⁵ Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, “I will be king.” So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. ⁶ (His father had never interferedwith him by asking, “Why do you behave as you do?”…)

• David was the greatest king, but he did not discipline his children.
• He did not get involved with his children and they misbehaved.

1 Sam 3:12-13 – ¹² At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family—from beginning to end. ¹³ For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible and he failed to restrain them.

• Eli did a great job with Samuel
• But he did a horrible job with his own sons Hophni and Phineas

1 Sam 2:12, 22-25 – ¹² Eli’s sons were wicked men; they had no regardfor the Lord.

 ²² Now Eli, who was very old, heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. ²³ So he said to them, “Why do you do such things? I hear from all the people about these wicked deeds of yours. ²⁴ No, my sons; it is not a good report that I hear spreading among the Lord’s people. ²⁵ If a man sins against another man, God may mediate for him; but if a man sins against the Lord, who will intercede for him?” His sons, however, did not listen to their father’s rebuke, for it was the Lord’s will to put them to death.

• Eli did not discipline his sons.
• They ignored his rebuke and he did not pursue them.

Consistency

Prov 24:16 – for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again,
but the wicked are brought down by calamity.

• Working with teens can be exhausting.
• With God you can lead your children to righteousness but you have to be consistent.
• Consistency in follow through – especially with discipline is key.

1 John 2:27 – As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

1 Thes 5:11 – Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

• There is a big need in all the churches for a teen ministry.
• Work with the teen workers to build up this ministry.
• Be invested!  (We were invested – Teen ministry grew from 1 to 38 teens)

Acts 2:44-47 – ⁴⁴ All the believers were together and had everything in common.  ⁴⁵ Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need.  ⁴⁶ Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts.  They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, ⁴⁷ praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.  And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

• This is a big challenge in our churches.
• Many parents have great ideas.
• When ideas get shot down it’s not because they’re bad – It’s more about the logistics and the ability to support the ideas.
• There are parents who don’t get involved and then they go off on their own.  If you are a parent like this you are part of the problem and not part of a solution.
• Pray through these thoughts and repent because everyone is important to the church and more importantly to God.
• See not only where they are at but also what their potential is and where they can be.
• Teach them to take responsibility for their sin.
• Again there’s a need for consistency.
• Support the ministry with:
  • Food
  • Location
  • Gas money
  • Rides
  • Chaperones
  • Get involved and be concerned for the well being and future of our church and teen ministry.

What doesn’t help?

• Parents who focus on behavior not heart (conformity).
• Idle time hurts – left alone for long periods of time consistently.
• No plan, lack of fun, parents too busy.
• Parents who do not repent or mature spiritually.
• No structure/consistency.
• Child exasperated
  • Perceived as being last on the priority list.
  • Constantly waiting for parents to leave or to be done with “church things”
  • Poor planning leading to having to then change or cancel plans.
• Lack of consideration
• Lack of trust or entrusting with responsibility.
• Outnumbered by worldly teens

What does help?

• Spiritual parents and spiritual home centered around God.
• Consistent family times.
• Parents who are humble and open about their struggles.
• Apologizing and repenting.
• Consider your teen’s ideas/feelings.
• Teen camps, fun cool teen activities, healthy vibrant teen ministry, serving others/poor.
• Teens who feel you trust them.
• Allowing them to make mistakes and learn from consequences.

Effective Family Devotionals

Problems:

• If you don’t see the value of family times, you won’t do them.
• If you haven’t been doing them because you are too busy, then you are in fact too busy.
• If you’ve been forgetting to do them, it’s because it wasn’t that important to you.
• If you think your devos are boring then they probably are.

Ezek 16:49 – Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.

• They didn’t repent of their wickedness so their (Sodom’s) destruction was complete.
• They didn’t see the value of obeying God and caring for the poor and needy.
• They didn’t see their pride and started thinking they were better than they really were.
• They were lazy and only took care of themselves.
• Arrogant – having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth.
• Overfed – eat to excess.
• Unconcerned – not involved or interested. Not caring.
  • We see that to be unconcerned is a serious sin.  Sodom was destroyed for it.  It is the total opposite heart of God.
  • We need to care for and have concern for others.
  • Sodom continues to remain as an example of what is going to happen to the ungodly. (2 Peter 2:6)

1)  Get a Conviction about Family Devotionals

(Conviction: firmness of belief or opinion.)

Deut 6:6-9 – ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

• Does this sound like what goes on in your home?It starts with you choosing to be fed and trained by God’s Word daily.Impress=to apply with pressure so as to imprint.  Repeat, rewind and do it again.
• Imprint the Word into the hearts of your children.  How does this happen?
• The world makes several impressions on our children everyday both good and bad.  What are you doing impact your child each day?
• What do you talk about at the dinner table?  Do you have dinner together regularly?
• Do talk about God as you go about your day with your children (along the road)?
• Do you pray with your children and talk about Jesus before bed?
• Do you pray and read the word when you get up?
• Parents we need to have a conviction that our walk with God involves helping our children to know, love and rely on God.  This is something Sodom and Gomorrah did not care to learn.
• Believe that family devotionals do matter and that it makes a huge difference!

2)  Make It Happen

Matt 12:30 – “He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me scatters.”

• When we are not gathering we are scattering.
• Do you see how you are working against God when you miss family devos?
• What stops us from having family devos?
  • Laziness, don’t feel adequate, failing to plan, not making it a priority, scheduling other Kingdom activities/studies.
  • Maybe you just don’t know how.  In this case, it’s crucial to ask for help from God and other disciples in order to have successful family devos.
  • Join with other families and learn how or get fresh ideas.
  • Protect your family times.  Reschedule only on very rare occasions.

Eph 5:15-17 –¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

• Make the most of every opportunity.

Sample Format for Devos

• Schedule it weekly (same day and time)
• Everyone shows up and no other plans are made

• Start with the family dinner – make children’s favorite (best meal of the week)
• Start with 1-2 songs (children can lead)
• Prayer (have one of the children pray)
• Scripture and discussion
• Pre-school – Good and Bad Ripples – pre-school & elementary
• Middle school – Acting (Mom and Dad are the characters)
• Middle & High school – Amnesty night – confess w/o getting into trouble
  • Game or Movie nights

Fruit of Devos

• Spiritual family
• Builds memories, unity & closeness
• Opportunity for confession and repentance (dealing with bitterness)
• Resolves conflict

Resources/Tips

• Keep it fun.
• Keep it consistent (date/time)
• For younger kids use a children’s bible(aim to reach all ages)
• Use your 5 senses (see, hear, smell, taste and touch)
• Add clean jokes and/or act out the study
• Everyone participate (ok to invite other friends)
• Keep length (20 min)
• Stick with a theme for the month
  • Disciple’s Handbook
  • Six Great Family Devotionals
  • Kingdom Songbook (songs for Family Devotionals)
  • 40 Scriptures to Build Character in Children
  • Character Studies
  • Kingdom Songbooks
• End on a positive note!